“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
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Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
This is a sub tweet
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????