brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
You Might Also Like
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab