Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
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I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.