Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.