“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
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And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.