“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
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Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
True
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!