Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
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Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
cat vs inanimate object
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.