I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
You Might Also Like
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.