All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
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“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
ouch
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets