Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
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What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
constantly working on myself.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
When libraries troll their patrons.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know