@ShawnGarrett: Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
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@lloydrang: I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree. I think I found my spirit animal.
@weinerdog4life: No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that's why I dropped it.
@slyoung5: Good news: He told me I was his penguin. Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
@murderbytweets: In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.