did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up