DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
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2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I remember when things only cost an arm.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.