Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
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The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Introverted vegans go meetless
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope