Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
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me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
When someone says you are so lazy
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me