Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
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A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
me opening up to someone
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Growing up was a huge mistake
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*