Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
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Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
😬
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Two types of dogs.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.