“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
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Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.