“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
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I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Van Gone
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying