Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
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People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
is this a warning or an offer?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.