If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
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Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Thursday
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*