@YesNoSuper: "Did you ever try my hot salty water?" - Inventor of soup
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@Fingers_of_Fury: Someone tweets "pizza," I want pizza. Someone tweets "donut," I want a donut. Someone tweets "kale," I want pizza and a donut.
@wittwitbarista: I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like "do you know how fast you were going?"Or "is that a raccoon smoking a joint?"
@hazelmotes1: I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love's first kiss.
@corysnearowski: In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he'd yell "HOt DOG" then howl like a wolf & give away his position