“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
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My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
spicy snake
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes