@mostlydelirious: Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like Satan.
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@hardlyrelevant: [I time travel to 1998] Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: I got us this new candle ME: sweet. What flavor is it? W: don't you mean 'what scent is it?' ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won't be majoring in history.