“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
😆this is so true
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Yes my dude