“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
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Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Miscakes
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*