did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
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After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
That’s classic.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997