did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
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On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.