Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!