Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
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You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
*bites zombie*
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.