@zachreinert03: Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich
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@shutupmikeginn: my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
@Mikel_Jollett: PEPSI: We made the biggest PR blunder of any major company this year. UNITED: Hold my beer.
@natechartier1: *creating garbage cans* God: "That's where trash goes" *creating my twitter* God: "That's where trash comes from"
@tchrquotes: Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away. *I see my coworker is nervous* Me: Relax, how bad can it be. Salmon: Shut. Up.