@zachreinert03: Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich
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@ojedge: [train] MAN EATING NUTS: "Want one?" [offers bag] MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: "May I have… seven?" [coat rustles excitedly]
@jctwritesstuff: Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down* Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot... Pi-VOT... PIVOT!
@SlabBaconBP: My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he's finished.
@KentWGraham: I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.