@zachreinert03: Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich
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@bourgeoisalien: if someone asks you about yourself say "OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story" then just wander off
@thisislizz: The D word that everyone's been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently. Aaaaand there's HR calling me. Brb.
@TheToddWilliams: [blind date] JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers HER: Oh thanks. That's very sweet JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
@GoldenSpirals: My neighbour left her outdoor stereo blaring & went out for the night. I now have a set of speakers for sale, minus the wires. Call me.