*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
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when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same