When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
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My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?