Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
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I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Chicken bread
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road