Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.