[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
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I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
what does he know…
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.