@omgthatspunny: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
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@Mr_Kapowski: My daughter is the perfect height for using an umbrella to simultaneously keep her dry and for me to lose an eye from one of its corners
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Heading up to bed *winks* [30 min later] Wife: ...where is he? Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)