When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
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I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
The three genders.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.