I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
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The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….