*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
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“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.