“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
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coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I think this should do it.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Lassie, get help!
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.