Going to pronounce fecal like decal
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What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.