Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
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imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
what’s more important?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.