That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
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Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
awkward
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
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My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better