Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
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My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*