I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
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The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
The USS B port
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”