We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
You Might Also Like
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.