Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.