Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
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My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Is your wife single?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*