Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
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Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.