DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
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Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.