@WheelTod: Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you'll be banned from Walgreens for life?
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@chinchillasaur: [graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that's really great
@AnotherFunnyGuy: If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
@causticbob: "Must you lick the knife?" "Sorry,force of habit" I said "Loads of people do it though, don't they?" "Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor"
@DonovanConvery: If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I'd like to eat now.