@WheelTod: Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you'll be banned from Walgreens for life?
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@bigmacher: Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would've pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
@markedly: *storms out of office bathroom* *slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss's desk* I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS
@The_Grant_Boldt: *at Starbucks* "Ya I'll have the medium roast please" *Barista insults him a lot but not too much*
@PhuckinCody: BANK ROBBER: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!! ME: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no