Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
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tinder is all about the long game
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…